What IF Land

The past few weeks have been heavily emotionally charged for me. I have been assaulted with real emotional pain that for the most part has been brought on by my amplified imagination.  Why do I let my thoughts go to the land of “What IF?” I know that there is nothing there for me other than a slow, painful death. Yet I have a self destructive nature, and it is drawn there over and over again. This is one of my many addictions.

I have a hard time recognizing real hurt from the imagined; they both feel real and cause me pain.  The truth is that the imagined hurts cause greater pain than the real ones.  I put imagined thoughts and actions into others and I fixate on this to the point that I have made it feel real. In doing this, I not only hurt myself, I have hurt them unfairly. They cannot defend themselves from something that never happened. And they are at a disadvantage in the fact that they are suffering from what others have done to me when they themselves are innocent of doing any harm .  

I want it to stop; I do not want it to destroy what is a wonderful blessing in my life.

I know that there is a solution for it. I know that the solution is God and He can stop this madness that consumes me. But I have grown so accustomed to it. I trust in it. No matter how wrong the land of “What IF?”  Is, I can’t let it go until I can trust in God.  What part of my “What IF Land” can I give over and let God take control so that I can understand and trust in Him?