Letting God take care of me

Letting God take care of me
For as long as I can remember I have always had to take care of myself, as well as my brother, sister, and my biological mother and father. Then added to that was my step-father and half brother. Granted this was not the case all of my life however it was for the “formative years.” This was enough to program my thinking into a constant state of action in my life. I have reached a point that I am weary and the burden of this has come to a junction that if I continue in this state of mind it well kill me. Yet I am so helplessly bound to this that I cannot release it. I cannot even seem to share the weight of it with another or with a Higher Power.
I know that the root of this is that I do not trust that I can be cared for by any other than myself. I trust me. I learned that those that were to take care of me could not be trusted and they could not care for me. I took care of a co-dependent mother and an abusive alcoholic father. I did my best to protect my younger sister and brother from the abuse from our father and druggie step-father. I redirected the abuse that was directed at them upon myself. I did what I could to make sure they were safe and feed. I tried to be the mother to them that our mother was incapable of being for us. I even did what I could to care for her.
I understand that I no longer have to do those things, however the damage is done. The bandage still seeps from those wounds. I find that even the ones that have mostly healed and scabbed over, somehow, someway get bumped and re-opened. How can I trust in a God that was not there to protect me from the beatings, the sexual abuse, the cold and hunger, the pain of being alone, the pain of when I did have a place I felt safe and loved only to be taken from the warmth of my Papa’s lap? How?
I know of God and Christ. I know Bible verses. I have even taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I have a relatively good academic understanding of these things. However I do not have a relationship with God. This is due to the simple fact that I do not trust that the God of my current understanding can take care of me. Yet I am willing to seek and find a relationship and change my understanding of God. This is because the person that I am today recognizes that it was people that failed me and not God. I also know that this will not be easy that it will be painful to take the bandages off and peel the scabs away to allow true healing to take place. I am scared, no terrified, to let go and let God