Left for Decay

A journey outward and reflections of my inner self: What I was, Who I am, What I will be..
I have been in an inner struggle with myself for years. Not sure when I started perhaps whenever I first became conscious of “self.“ Regardless here I am at the age of 40 still in an inner struggle. I have come to a few conclusions about this. Not all are based by fact however. All have truth in the simple fact that if I believe it that gives life for it to become truth. First thing that I need to do is step outside the inside of me. That thought in and of itself ignites a fuse and chaos ensues. I am very fond of the saying “If it isn’t broke don’t fix it.” However there is some part of my brain that is miss wired and translates this into action, “break It.“ There are things that have happened to me that were well beyond my control. Those are things that will be addressed in time. There are also things where I can blindly see the damage that was done to others as well as me. I use the term blindly for the simple fact that I have yet to organize the pieces into a clear image.
I have seen some amazing pieces of art that have moved me deeply, that have been constructed from nothing more than what was tossed away and left for decay. I want to believe that some way I can pick up the pieces of myself and cast them into something just as amazing. Yet I am unable to see past the smoke and fragments that cloud the vision I have of myself. How do I begin to gather up what is left and turn myself, my life, into something worth living?