“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it”~Adolf Hitler

“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it”~Adolf Hitler

     This is how I feel. Not that I am the one telling the lie but that I am the one that is being lied to.  It is something along the lines of “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”  Or “if no one sees it never happened” These are not a lie unless you are asked directly about it and then by not telling the truth it becomes a lie. I don’t believe in that line of thinking.  It is deceitful and manipulative. I do believe that every lie at some point in times comes out. Even the lies we tell ourselves.

     I keep asking myself why do we lie? I can remember a lie that I told my mother, not that I only lied once but this one lie just has stuck with me. I was about 13 and my mom had told me to put a slip on under my skirt. I didn’t feel that I needed one so I did not put it on. She asked me if I had put it on I said yes. Now if I had thought about it I would have known that she would see that I had not done so. As soon as we got outside she could see that I had not put that damn slip on. She sent me back into the house to go do it. Did I?  No, however I did take that damn slip and shove it as far as I could under my bed.  Went back and told lie number two.  “I can’t find it.”  Well the short of it is my mom found it. I got grounded over a very stupid slip. Ok, not the slip it was the lie, but at that time it sure felt like it was all because of the slip. So why did I lie? To this day I have no clue as to the why. Now there are lies that I do know why I told them such as “No, I have not been drinking. No, I don’t do drugs.” ECT…ECT…ECT…

    I also remember like it was yesterday when my daughter lied to me the first time. I saw her pop her brother’s balloon. I asked her why she did it, and she kept saying that she did not pop it. It broke my heart. This was the first of many more lies to come. I cannot recall the first lie from my son. So my children have lied to me, and they may still tell me lies to this day. Truth is, despite the lies, I still trust my children.

     Now why is it that I am forgiving and trusting of my children, however I am not of others that have lied to me? My ex is a good example of this. There are things that I do not care for that he did but told me he didn’t do. I would so much want to believe him. And it would seem just as I would start to believe that something would happen to show that it was a lie. Sometimes the something would be by my own doing of snooping or I would come across something by accident. He would always ask me why I did not trust him. I would respond like, “Why do you lie to me?” It was a destructive cycle that we were in. It had gotten to a point that he got in a mindset that if he was going to be accused of it, he might as well do it.  My response to that was if he would come home when he said he would or if he could remember where he had been then I would not be thinking the things that I was. Nonetheless, I never fully trusted him.

 I remember the lies told to me as a child, so many lies, and every one of them I found out. I even recall all the lies I was told to tell.  All this seems like a long way around to the point of my thoughts. It is not so much the lies but the effect that those early lies have had on my life. The simple fact of the matter is I do not trust. I have had people look me dead in the eyes and lie to me. Now they did not know I knew the liar for the lie they told. But what does it make me when I let that lie happen? I think it becomes a form of lying to myself. So the conundrum this leaves me in is I don’t trust others, and I don’t trust myself, but can I develop a trust in God? No matter how many people have hurt me in my past, I must now learn to completely trust God with both myself and with my entire life. Learning to really trust God in the way that He wants me to fully trust Him is an all-or-nothing principle. I understand this. Either I am going to fully trust Him with every area of my life or I am not.  “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.” (Proverbs 29:25) I will forever be trapped by another human’s snare, but I will trust in God for my safety both physical and mental.

What IF Land

The past few weeks have been heavily emotionally charged for me. I have been assaulted with real emotional pain that for the most part has been brought on by my amplified imagination.  Why do I let my thoughts go to the land of “What IF?” I know that there is nothing there for me other than a slow, painful death. Yet I have a self destructive nature, and it is drawn there over and over again. This is one of my many addictions.

I have a hard time recognizing real hurt from the imagined; they both feel real and cause me pain.  The truth is that the imagined hurts cause greater pain than the real ones.  I put imagined thoughts and actions into others and I fixate on this to the point that I have made it feel real. In doing this, I not only hurt myself, I have hurt them unfairly. They cannot defend themselves from something that never happened. And they are at a disadvantage in the fact that they are suffering from what others have done to me when they themselves are innocent of doing any harm .  

I want it to stop; I do not want it to destroy what is a wonderful blessing in my life.

I know that there is a solution for it. I know that the solution is God and He can stop this madness that consumes me. But I have grown so accustomed to it. I trust in it. No matter how wrong the land of “What IF?”  Is, I can’t let it go until I can trust in God.  What part of my “What IF Land” can I give over and let God take control so that I can understand and trust in Him?  

Letting God take care of me

Letting God take care of me
For as long as I can remember I have always had to take care of myself, as well as my brother, sister, and my biological mother and father. Then added to that was my step-father and half brother. Granted this was not the case all of my life however it was for the “formative years.” This was enough to program my thinking into a constant state of action in my life. I have reached a point that I am weary and the burden of this has come to a junction that if I continue in this state of mind it well kill me. Yet I am so helplessly bound to this that I cannot release it. I cannot even seem to share the weight of it with another or with a Higher Power.
I know that the root of this is that I do not trust that I can be cared for by any other than myself. I trust me. I learned that those that were to take care of me could not be trusted and they could not care for me. I took care of a co-dependent mother and an abusive alcoholic father. I did my best to protect my younger sister and brother from the abuse from our father and druggie step-father. I redirected the abuse that was directed at them upon myself. I did what I could to make sure they were safe and feed. I tried to be the mother to them that our mother was incapable of being for us. I even did what I could to care for her.
I understand that I no longer have to do those things, however the damage is done. The bandage still seeps from those wounds. I find that even the ones that have mostly healed and scabbed over, somehow, someway get bumped and re-opened. How can I trust in a God that was not there to protect me from the beatings, the sexual abuse, the cold and hunger, the pain of being alone, the pain of when I did have a place I felt safe and loved only to be taken from the warmth of my Papa’s lap? How?
I know of God and Christ. I know Bible verses. I have even taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I have a relatively good academic understanding of these things. However I do not have a relationship with God. This is due to the simple fact that I do not trust that the God of my current understanding can take care of me. Yet I am willing to seek and find a relationship and change my understanding of God. This is because the person that I am today recognizes that it was people that failed me and not God. I also know that this will not be easy that it will be painful to take the bandages off and peel the scabs away to allow true healing to take place. I am scared, no terrified, to let go and let God

Left for Decay

A journey outward and reflections of my inner self: What I was, Who I am, What I will be..
I have been in an inner struggle with myself for years. Not sure when I started perhaps whenever I first became conscious of “self.“ Regardless here I am at the age of 40 still in an inner struggle. I have come to a few conclusions about this. Not all are based by fact however. All have truth in the simple fact that if I believe it that gives life for it to become truth. First thing that I need to do is step outside the inside of me. That thought in and of itself ignites a fuse and chaos ensues. I am very fond of the saying “If it isn’t broke don’t fix it.” However there is some part of my brain that is miss wired and translates this into action, “break It.“ There are things that have happened to me that were well beyond my control. Those are things that will be addressed in time. There are also things where I can blindly see the damage that was done to others as well as me. I use the term blindly for the simple fact that I have yet to organize the pieces into a clear image.
I have seen some amazing pieces of art that have moved me deeply, that have been constructed from nothing more than what was tossed away and left for decay. I want to believe that some way I can pick up the pieces of myself and cast them into something just as amazing. Yet I am unable to see past the smoke and fragments that cloud the vision I have of myself. How do I begin to gather up what is left and turn myself, my life, into something worth living?