Hanging on the edge, I am tired, worn out mentally and physically, I am on the edge and want to just let go and fall. I want to stop caring I want to stop hurting. Yet I don’t let go I just hang onto the edge with my fingertips, nails broken and fingers bleeding. Why? Because I got this thing…Don’t got it…Got this Damn it! Every time I start to feel like I am making progress something blows the whole damn thing up. If it isn’t an outward thing than I manage to unleash a whirlwind inside my head and all I can hear are the voices within. I am broken, and I feel as though I don’t care if I am ever mended. I feel as though I will forever wait in my darkness for the final rejection.
If God cares for me and wants me to have a relationship with Him than why the hell do I keep losing relationships with those that I love and care for? Why do I have to live in this constant state of fear of the next rejection? What happened to Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” I am brokenhearted, and my wounds bleed. All I feel is the pain and fear waiting for the next hurt to come. What am I missing? What is it that I can’t find in my seeking? How long do I hang on the edge? When do I let go and let God? Or is this it the final rejection that God doesn’t want me, just like my mama told me when I was four. My logical mind says no. My emotional mind says yes. I am tired of the battle that they fight inside me. I want to stop hanging from the edge and silence at least one of the many voices inside my head. So how do I do this…I must release my death grip and fall. Lord I beg you, please catch me. Lord I am desperate; please give me a sign. Lord do you see me? Do you hear my cry?
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