"Shortcomings - long-goings"

"Do I really want to be rid of my anger, my fear, my spiritual doubt?" These things are my “shortcomings,” well in truth they are my “long -goings,” because they have been with me for a long time. I have to wonder if it is going to take forever for them to fade from my life, if ever. I cannot help but feel that my “long-goings” are the very things that have kept me alive for this long. I have survived because I have used my fear, my anger and my doubt as a life preserver.
I try to envision what my life would be like if I let go of these character flaws. I ask myself why I react in a certain manner in a hope that I can find the core of the fear and anger. Why am I so afraid to step out of myself and let God step in? What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? I know that I am afraid, that without the life preservers that I cling to, who will I be without them?
I know that the worst that can happen is I continue as I am enslaved to my fears, anger and doubts and let them take me to my grave. The best that can happen is I live freely in a happy, loving, joyous relationship with God. Seeing the two choices in black and white would make it seem that the choice is easy. The truth is that neither one is going to be easy. The first will feel as though it is, after all, my “long-goings,” my false life preserver. I know that being free from my bondage, to no longer be a slave, to be held by the true life preserver, God, I will live and thrive and no longer just survive. I have come to the conclusion that I choose truth over falsities.
Now that I can start to uncover my fears and anger, I can replace my spiritual doubts with hope and a new understanding. I can see a glimmer of what I can have when I ask God to help me, one by one, to remove my “long-goings”. I now have motivation to push through so that I can have the relationship with God that he has always wanted with me. A battle is won, but the war is far from over.
I still have questions that have yet to be answered. I have subscriptions to issues that I have yet to cancel. However, just for today, I will imagine what my life would be like without my fears, anger and doubts. I will ask for the willingness to have God remove my “long-goings.” I will be aware that this will not be all at once, but that faith in God is an all or nothing thing.