Avalanche

 Patient to Dr. “It hurts when I do this.” Dr. to patient” Then don’t do that.”

 Me to God “I am in so much pain” God to me “Then give it to me.”

Me back at God “But I can’t, I don’t know how.”  God “….”

Me “All I hear is silence.” God “…”

Me again to  God “ALL right if that is all you got for me then I GOT THIS THING I CAN AND WILL FIX THIS”

This is the way things have been going for way to long between me and God. Today has been a rather long conversation in this manner with God. This is due in part that it has been building like snow on top of snow for the past week. Well today the gunshot went off and then before I knew it I am caught up in the ensuing avalanche.  

This gunshot went straight for my heart. All the other ones this past week had the misfortune of missing the mark. I kept telling myself over and over that it doesn’t matter. WRONG, so very, very wrong. It does matter. For the simple fact that I have to face what is truth and what is something that is a product of things that have happened in the past.

The challenge is digging my way out of all the “snow” that I am under. I know that when I get this way inside my head I become physically cold. The result of this physical magnification is a mental shutdown. Simple truth is I say to myself, ”God if you can keep silent, by golly so can I.” Well this has not been working well for me at all. Seems as though I keep losing the “quiet game.”

Nevertheless, my dear sweet daughter asked me a question about the “gunshot.” Leave it to my daughter to be able to read her mother. I have done pretty damn good with her. She is more than I ever prayed for her to be. Her brother is as well. I can see where God has answered my prayers with them, and for that I am grateful. Anyway, we were texting back and forth about this. My sweet child and her wisdom put it all in two words, “Crazy Lady.” God bless her; she is my child. She is right. “Crazy Lady” is where I currently am with a mountain of snow.

I need a shovel, but my shovel is not talking to me…and I am not hearing His voice in all the silence. Or so I thought until just moments ago. I am listening to Pandora Radio as I write this. I do this because it helps override the voices that aren’t anything like God who’s keeping silent. They lack the ability to shut up. The station that I have it on is Sixx am. This song comes on and has a great sound, so I listen to the lyrics, and I am blown away.  I go to check “like,” and it is a song by a group I had never heard of. Fireflight “So help Me God.” Well God seems to have his own way of talking to me. I am reading the lyrics, and I see so much of myself in them. I can hear what I need to do, what God is asking me to do.  I am afraid to leave, to find myself, to trust that the “Crazy Lady” thoughts are just what they are. I have to let God have the Power that I once had given Him, however this time I must see this as a relationship built on trust not fear, the present and not the past. See His words and not that of others and my own, to see the truth from the lie.

I also know that I will need to clean the “gunshot” wound, and as painful as it may seem, I will have to trust that the hand of God can and will comfort me and allow me to see what is truth and what is not as we, hand in hand, dig out the pellets and shovel our way through the snow to His shelter that is built for warmth and healing, a shelter which is so much better than what I have built on my own.

So Help Me God lyrics

You sit beside me And I love you But I hate you I don't want to feel this way But I can't stop You reach for my hand But I move it Before you can I won't let you have the Power once again So help me, God
To let this go To let this go So help me, God (Become what I believe) To break this hold (I'm afraid to leave) To find myself (I just need to breathe)

You think you know me But you changed me Into somebody  That I don't ever want to be again  I'm letting go now Of this burden I've been holding I've been hurting myself now for way too long

It's not too late  It's not too late To leave it all behind It's not too late  It's not too late)