The four C 's

I am caught up in a whirl wind of thoughts, words remembered that have been said by others.

I had forgotten about something that someone said to me about 20 years ago. This morning as I read about following God’s call and the gifts that God has given us, this young woman’s words came back to me.

I was living in Fort Worth in an apartment complex full of strangers with a husband that was not often home and a baby. I was in the apartment office trying to make arrangements to pay whatever month it was rent. I felt ashamed that I had to do this. I hated it. While I was in there a young lady approached me and asked me if I would be willing to come to a weekly Bible study that would be held at the apartment complex. She said that I would be welcomed and I could bring my daughter with me. I agreed. I had nothing else to do.

I have very vague memories from that time. One, there was no one other then myself, my baby and the young seminary student that was leading the class. I never thought about how strange that should have been to me. Even today it should seem strange, but it doesn’t. I do not recall ever opening my Bible during this time, although I am sure we did. I cannot recall how this young woman looked. I remember she was slight of build, had longish hair, but other than that, I could not tell you the color of her hair or eyes. The only thing that I really remember from this time is that we had been having a discussion about gifts from God. She told me that I have the gift of empathy. I recall denying this even though somewhere deep inside me I knew this to be true.

For years it was hard for me to watch the news, read the paper, over hear conversation or even have someone talk to me when it concerned something deeply emotional. It got to a point that I no longer could watch the news or read the paper for all the negative media. It hurt so much. I prayed and begged for it to go away. It never fully went away but it did dull, this gift of empathy, enough so that I had thought it had turned into something more like caring about people because I no longer felt the heart ache as deeply.

From the time I was 20 I have had numerous people, those that have been little more than an acquaintance and those that have known me fairly well, ask or suggest to me that I might seek out counseling as a career. I have always said, "NO! That is not for me. Not going to do it. That is someone else’s calling not mine."

I still stand by that statement for the person I once was. However I am no longer that person. I have come up out of the water no longer my own self. I freely gave all that old thought away. I asked God to take me and use me as HIS own . I did not come up out of that water feeling like a brand new person, but I felt something changed.

I have had four words running almost none stop through my mind when I get quiet: comforter, compassion, counselor and Christ. These four words that also mean empathy are wrapped around my soul. They have always been there; these pieces to the puzzle that I can now see are forming something amazing and beautiful. I am open and willing to go where Christ may lead.

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child”

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child”- Rose, from  Silent Hill

It has been nine months since I last wrote anything in my blog. It was not done consciously. I had started writing many blogs but never finished or just didn’t post it.  Here I am nine months later and making a post. However what I thought I was going to write about was my baptism on Wednesday. It seems as though God has put something else on my heart to write about.

“Mother is God in the eyes of a child” is a quote from the horror movie Silent Hill. What a statement that is. It moved me the first time I heard it and still does. It popped into my mind during church this morning, so I got quiet in my mind to feel what God was trying to tell me. I thought back to how for most of my life I had this image of God that I could not trust Him and that He did not love me. I based a large part of this on my first years of life. My biological mother was a poor example of what a mother should be. I believe she was in her own private hell that was so large and deep that she was unable to stop from dragging me and her other children into it. I do not believe that she made any conscious effort to do this. It just happened. She was ill prepared to be a mother. This is something that I now know. As a child I did not. A mother is one that loves and protects her child. She sacrifices all for them. My mother did little to none of these things.  The monsters came.  In her ignorance, her naivete,  and  her denial  they devoured every last thing that was of innocence that I had in me. It does not take a child long to stop trusting in the one that should protect them. 

 For years I asked where was God in all of this? I am not sure, however today I know that He was there. I still hurt from the past, but I am healed. I have forgiven my biological mother for her mistakes. I pray for her and my brothers and sister that in their time they can have some peace from our past. I have found that peace in the love and trust I know have in God. I cannot express in words the love and peace that I now have. I trust in God fully. He has healed me, and from this healing I know that He has great plans for me. I am awed at the wonder of my reconciliation. I am brought to tears daily from it all. It is a great  freedom  to cry from joy and wonder and from the love and peace that is from God.