I am doomed at being me.

      So much of my life is infused with emotions that threaten to overcome me. I take a moment to step outside myself to gain control. To what end do I hope to gain by such actions as these?  Control is nothing more than an illusion, a lie that I tell myself. To what end do I go to fool myself, to pull a veil over my eyes? As blind as I am to what I think is true about myself, my self-perception is nothing more than what I believe I can see reflected in the eyes of others.

    What of the eyes of others? Their sight is as much veiled as my own. Let me not forget my grand illusion of control. For all the good it does me to step outside myself, I must let God step in and stay. If I cannot do this and see my self- worth through the unveiled eyes of God I will forever be doomed at being me.

     As my emotions rage, I am a ship that is tossed in the subsequent tidal waves of the ocean that my emotions have become. They are always reaching to pull me under, no matter how hard I try to steer my vessel around the waves. It matters not the direction I steer for I am trapped and pulled under by the waves.

    If I could just hear the voice of God   telling me, “Be still and know that I am God,” Psalm 41:10.  However I am too much inside my mind. I have placed the captain’s hat upon my head. Even when I do ask God to take the helm, I am still trying to co-captain by shouting my doubts: “Where we going?”  And as if that is not enough I am telling God, “You’re going the wrong way.”  When I try and get still and listen to God I too often only hear my question, “Are we there yet?”

   The control over the vessel is not my own. I cannot captain or co-captain. I can only place the life preserver of Christ around my heart. I must trust in the pure and honest sight of God, that, regardless of the storm, He sees a vessel worthy of love to sail upon a sea of tranquil peace. I will not, and I am not doomed at being me.

Renewing my Mind

Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. Proverbs 4:23
I have been thinking that I seriously need to change the way I think and feel and act in many situations in my life. It has been said that behind everything you do is a thought. Every behavior is motivated by a belief, and every action is prompted by an attitude; whether it is a conscious or subconscious thought. For example, Friday I was feeling very insecure and without consciously thinking I put a wall up mentally and physically between myself and my husband. If he had not said something to me I would have never known that I had done this. I have said many times that by sheer willpower I can and will think and therefore act in a productive positive way.
Truth is this only works for a short time because I have only made a superficial change. I have not dealt with the root cause of my thinking. Because of this I am in constant internal stress. I know that there is a better and easier way than forcing my will, my way of thinking, on the way that things should be done in my life.
I know that the root of my thinking is that I have the voices of too many dead people still telling me lies that feel like truth. I have heard very little in truth of a loving God. No that is incorrect I have heard that God loves everyone but me. “I am not worthy of the love God. I am undeserving of any good thing in my life. I am tainted and dirty.” These are words that my Mama would say over and over to me as she scrubbed me with a scouring pad and scolding hot water when I was four. I had forgotten about the baths until a few weeks ago. The memory hit me hard. How could I have forgotten that? I have always had her words with me, the lies that I feel and believe to this day to be truth. Adding to the belief of the words I still take my showers and baths in near to scolding water. I truly do not feel clean if the water is not turning me into a lobster.
I stopped writing this blog yesterday simply because I just could not deal with the onslaught of thoughts and emotions. I got home and had for the most part not thought of it again (meaning the voices where running riot inside my head). That is until my husband put on one of his shows that he likes to watch, Creflo Dollar Ministries. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and was catching words here and there. I was not feeling very happy with what I was hearing. I decided to go into the bedroom to hear better what I did not want to hear. Seems as though Creflo had gotten a hold of what I was thinking and writing about. He thought it was good enough (ha ha) to do a sermon over.
Truth is I was a little angry and put off with the whole thing. I felt and acted somewhat childish. I wanted to cover my ears and stomp my feet while I repeated “I ‘m not listening, and you can’t make me.” Here I am on a daily basis getting discouraged and more tightly bound by my chains of fear, guilt and shame. I cry nightly for God to give me a sign, anything, please, just something so I know that He is listening. So I stopped my pouting for a moment to listen. I heard Creflo quoting verses that I had just recently read and thought I would be using in this blog when I started writing it yesterday.
Here it is the day after, and the voices are surprisingly hushed. Just one thing, one question; how do I put the lies behind me and put the truth before me? I need to cut this first formed link of the chain of lies that binds me.. How do I do this? I must change the way I think by renewing my mind. I must "Let God transform you(me) into a new person by changing the way you (I) think," (Romans 12:2 ). "There must be a spiritual renewal of your(my) thoughts and attitudes," (Ephesians 4:23). I will let God cut the link of lies that my Mama told me and let Him forge a new hope of a loving God. I will let Him change my way of thinking and begin a renewal of my mind. I know it won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be easy. I will do what I have been putting off doing for about three weeks. I will make the time to talk to my pastor. I will hear and feel the loving words of God. I will not let the lies take away from the truth of God. I will have one dead voice silenced so that I will have faith and a way to silence the other voices.

Cross of Changes

    Fear has been, and is often, the driving force that keeps me from acquiring a trust and faith in the healing power of a loving God.  For so many years I have given myself permission time and time again to be fearful. Yet I cannot find it within myself to give permission to be loved. The mere idea of having faith in a loving God is a very hard chunk to swallow when fear, doubt, anger, guilt and sadness…the list goes on,  all are abounding in and around me.  With all these things that keep me company I often feel isolated and alone.  I know that I feel the isolation and loneliness because I feel that I do not deserve the love that God has given me.  For that matter I don’t even believe that I am deserving of love from another.

     When do I stop letting the wreckage of my yesterday construct me into something other than what I wish to be today? I have to let go of my old way of thinking. I have to let go of the bondage of fear. I have to accept what is freely given to me; that is the healing power of God’s love. I cannot tell God that he does not love.  I can, to no avail, tell Him that He can’t love. I can spend my time and energy rejecting His love and keeping the overcrowded lonely company of my fear and its cohorts.

     I have to get past this notion that I do not deserve to be loved. I have been given a Cross for change. It matters not that I don’t have a full understanding. Even with my doubt there is a universal truth that has eyes that watch over me. He has arms to hold me and a heart to love me.

Coming Home

On April 15, 1987 I left my home town. The truth is I ran away at seventeen. I was angry, hurting and hated God; I was on a war path toward self destruction, to prove all the lies right, to prove that God did not love me or give a damn about me. I didn’t care about what happened to me. I had nothing and no one there other than myself that I trusted.  In all my seventeen years of wisdom I had concocted the perfect plan.  I was never going to come back to this place that I called “Hell.” Turns out that the joke is on me.

Yesterday I spent a beautifully blessed day in “Hell.” I woke in the arms of my husband, a man that has blessed me more than he knows, just by understanding me and taking the time to be in my presence. He listens, and he hears what I say, even the words that I do not speak out loud.

We gathered the cameras and went for a drive looking for that perfect photo for the day. Granted this is not the first time that we have done this, won’t be the last. What made this day more extraordinary than the others? It had nothing to do with that it was my birthday; we go out shooting almost on a daily basses. What made this drive so different from the others?  I found a peace that I had never had in my life.

With windows rolled down, my olfactory senses assaulted by the sweet, near intoxicating scent of the wild honey suckle, the warm spring breeze on my face the comforting feel of Dalyn’s hand in mine, I was overcome with a deep knowledge that I was finally home. I belonged in the moment, Time and space had wrapped around me, and I was at peace. There were no voices in my head telling me to run. I did not question it. I lived in it. I had forgotten how to live. I had forgotten how to breathe. I had been holding my breath for years. Wow, here I am at 41 years old and took my first breath.

I spent a day full of happiness and joy with Dalyn, friends and family. I am thankful for the day I had with them. That was yesterday. This is today. Somehow during the night as I slept in restlessness something came along and stole that peace away from me.

How could this happen? I just had a day full of peace and happiness.  Why? Because for all the love that I have in my relationships with others, I do not have one with God. I paid lip service. I thanked Him in fear of retribution.  I did not let Him in. I left Him out of my day. As I type this, I feel sick and afraid, torn apart by the lies that I know of God, fighting to let go of those ideas and seek the truth in a loving God.  I am home. I know this, yet I am still a long way from falling into God's arms and letting Him hold me.  

"Shortcomings - long-goings"

"Do I really want to be rid of my anger, my fear, my spiritual doubt?" These things are my “shortcomings,” well in truth they are my “long -goings,” because they have been with me for a long time. I have to wonder if it is going to take forever for them to fade from my life, if ever. I cannot help but feel that my “long-goings” are the very things that have kept me alive for this long. I have survived because I have used my fear, my anger and my doubt as a life preserver.
I try to envision what my life would be like if I let go of these character flaws. I ask myself why I react in a certain manner in a hope that I can find the core of the fear and anger. Why am I so afraid to step out of myself and let God step in? What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? I know that I am afraid, that without the life preservers that I cling to, who will I be without them?
I know that the worst that can happen is I continue as I am enslaved to my fears, anger and doubts and let them take me to my grave. The best that can happen is I live freely in a happy, loving, joyous relationship with God. Seeing the two choices in black and white would make it seem that the choice is easy. The truth is that neither one is going to be easy. The first will feel as though it is, after all, my “long-goings,” my false life preserver. I know that being free from my bondage, to no longer be a slave, to be held by the true life preserver, God, I will live and thrive and no longer just survive. I have come to the conclusion that I choose truth over falsities.
Now that I can start to uncover my fears and anger, I can replace my spiritual doubts with hope and a new understanding. I can see a glimmer of what I can have when I ask God to help me, one by one, to remove my “long-goings”. I now have motivation to push through so that I can have the relationship with God that he has always wanted with me. A battle is won, but the war is far from over.
I still have questions that have yet to be answered. I have subscriptions to issues that I have yet to cancel. However, just for today, I will imagine what my life would be like without my fears, anger and doubts. I will ask for the willingness to have God remove my “long-goings.” I will be aware that this will not be all at once, but that faith in God is an all or nothing thing.

Hanging on the Edge

Hanging on the edge, I am tired, worn out mentally and physically, I am on the edge and want to just let go and fall. I want to stop caring I want to stop hurting. Yet I don’t let go I just hang onto the edge with my fingertips, nails broken and fingers bleeding. Why? Because I got this thing…Don’t got it…Got this Damn it! Every time I start to feel like I am making progress something blows the whole damn thing up. If it isn’t an outward thing than I manage to unleash a whirlwind inside my head and all I can hear are the voices within. I am broken, and I feel as though I don’t care if I am ever mended. I feel as though I will forever wait in my darkness for the final rejection.

If God cares for me and wants me to have a relationship with Him than why the hell do I keep losing relationships with those that I love and care for? Why do I have to live in this constant state of fear of the next rejection? What happened to Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” I am brokenhearted, and my wounds bleed. All I feel is the pain and fear waiting for the next hurt to come. What am I missing? What is it that I can’t find in my seeking? How long do I hang on the edge? When do I let go and let God? Or is this it the final rejection that God doesn’t want me, just like my mama told me when I was four. My logical mind says no. My emotional mind says yes. I am tired of the battle that they fight inside me. I want to stop hanging from the edge and silence at least one of the many voices inside my head.  So how do I do this…I must release my death grip and fall. Lord I beg you, please catch me. Lord I am desperate; please give me a sign. Lord do you see me? Do you hear my cry?