Left for Decay

A journey outward and reflections of my inner self: what I was, who I am, what I will be. I have been in an inner struggle with myself for years. I am not sure when it started, perhaps whenever I first became conscious of “self.” Regardless, here I am at the age of forty, still in an inner struggle. I have come to a few conclusions about this. Not all are based in fact, however. All have truth in the simple sense that if I believe something, I give it life enough to become truth to me. The first thing that I need to do is step outside the inside of me. That thought, in and of itself, ignites a fuse, and chaos ensues. I am very fond of the saying, “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.” However, there is some part of my brain that is miswired and translates this into action: “Break it.” There are things that have happened to me that were well beyond my control. Those are things that will be addressed in time. There are also things where I can blindly see the damage that was done to others as well as to me. I use the term blindly for the simple fact that I have yet to organize the pieces into a clear image. I have seen some amazing pieces of art that have moved me deeply, pieces constructed from nothing more than what was tossed away and left for decay. I want to believe that somehow I can pick up the pieces of myself and cast them into something just as amazing. Yet I am unable to see past the smoke and fragments that cloud the vision I have of myself. How do I begin to gather up what is left and turn myself, my life, into something worth living?