Avalanche

 Patient to Dr. “It hurts when I do this.” Dr. to patient” Then don’t do that.”

 Me to God “I am in so much pain” God to me “Then give it to me.”

Me back at God “But I can’t, I don’t know how.”  God “….”

Me “All I hear is silence.” God “…”

Me again to  God “ALL right if that is all you got for me then I GOT THIS THING I CAN AND WILL FIX THIS”

This is the way things have been going for way to long between me and God. Today has been a rather long conversation in this manner with God. This is due in part that it has been building like snow on top of snow for the past week. Well today the gunshot went off and then before I knew it I am caught up in the ensuing avalanche.  

This gunshot went straight for my heart. All the other ones this past week had the misfortune of missing the mark. I kept telling myself over and over that it doesn’t matter. WRONG, so very, very wrong. It does matter. For the simple fact that I have to face what is truth and what is something that is a product of things that have happened in the past.

The challenge is digging my way out of all the “snow” that I am under. I know that when I get this way inside my head I become physically cold. The result of this physical magnification is a mental shutdown. Simple truth is I say to myself, ”God if you can keep silent, by golly so can I.” Well this has not been working well for me at all. Seems as though I keep losing the “quiet game.”

Nevertheless, my dear sweet daughter asked me a question about the “gunshot.” Leave it to my daughter to be able to read her mother. I have done pretty damn good with her. She is more than I ever prayed for her to be. Her brother is as well. I can see where God has answered my prayers with them, and for that I am grateful. Anyway, we were texting back and forth about this. My sweet child and her wisdom put it all in two words, “Crazy Lady.” God bless her; she is my child. She is right. “Crazy Lady” is where I currently am with a mountain of snow.

I need a shovel, but my shovel is not talking to me…and I am not hearing His voice in all the silence. Or so I thought until just moments ago. I am listening to Pandora Radio as I write this. I do this because it helps override the voices that aren’t anything like God who’s keeping silent. They lack the ability to shut up. The station that I have it on is Sixx am. This song comes on and has a great sound, so I listen to the lyrics, and I am blown away.  I go to check “like,” and it is a song by a group I had never heard of. Fireflight “So help Me God.” Well God seems to have his own way of talking to me. I am reading the lyrics, and I see so much of myself in them. I can hear what I need to do, what God is asking me to do.  I am afraid to leave, to find myself, to trust that the “Crazy Lady” thoughts are just what they are. I have to let God have the Power that I once had given Him, however this time I must see this as a relationship built on trust not fear, the present and not the past. See His words and not that of others and my own, to see the truth from the lie.

I also know that I will need to clean the “gunshot” wound, and as painful as it may seem, I will have to trust that the hand of God can and will comfort me and allow me to see what is truth and what is not as we, hand in hand, dig out the pellets and shovel our way through the snow to His shelter that is built for warmth and healing, a shelter which is so much better than what I have built on my own.

So Help Me God lyrics

You sit beside me And I love you But I hate you I don't want to feel this way But I can't stop You reach for my hand But I move it Before you can I won't let you have the Power once again So help me, God
To let this go To let this go So help me, God (Become what I believe) To break this hold (I'm afraid to leave) To find myself (I just need to breathe)

You think you know me But you changed me Into somebody  That I don't ever want to be again  I'm letting go now Of this burden I've been holding I've been hurting myself now for way too long

It's not too late  It's not too late To leave it all behind It's not too late  It's not too late)

Fear Verses Faith

“Fear can infect us early in life until eventually it cuts a deep groove of apprehension in all our thinking.  To counteract it, let faith, hope and courage enter your thinking.
Fear is strong, but faith is stronger yet.”  ~Norman Vincent Peale

I came across this quote today and it struck a nerve with me. Why? Because I live in an almost constant state of fear; I have very little in the way of faith. Fear is a basic survival mechanism of escape and avoidance; whereas, faith is confidence in a belief such as God and or trusting in the truth of someone or something.
Truth is that I trust in my fear, it has been with me for as long as I can remember. I have survived for as long as I have because of my fear. How then do I over come my fear and replace it with faith? How do I trust in the truth of a relationship with God when I cannot do that with another person? I know that I have to start somewhere in walking in a faith based relationship with God. I have been told that to start this walk that baby steps are what I should take. I don’t agree with this at all. Because even in the effort to take baby steps I still am wearing God’s shoes. Thus I will continue to stumble and fall. His shoes do not fit my feet no matter how small I make my steps. The simple fact is I must first learn to crawl, after all crawling is the foundation of learning to walk. However it goes even further back than that, before a baby can even begin to crawl they first must develop trunk control. This is by doing something that sounds so simple, sitting up. To sit up it takes the baby immense core control along with trust that the hand that is at its back will help keep it from falling over or will catch the baby as it falls.
 So here I am thinking that I truly must become as an infant if I am going to let go of my fear and let faith take its place. To do this I must first sit and trust that the hand at my back will catch me as I fall.  As I trust, sitting with God’s hand at my back, I will evaluate my fears and give them over to Him one by one so that I may learn to crawl, to humble myself into trusting in His truth that He loves me as I am. Then I can someday walk in what I have seen as peace and love in God, as well as having peace and love within myself.

God Forsaken

Do I tell my story of a thousand tears shed?

Of countless nights I wept until my eyes all but bled. 

Do I tell of the voices that always whisper in my head?

Or of the words that kill me nightly as I lay awake in bed.

Do I beg for mercy from this God of peace and grace?

Will he look with love upon this desolate face?

Or will I forever remain in my mind, which is a God forsaken place?