For all those who
are able to do your everyday things the simple things such as taking a shower,
combing your hair, walking to check the mail. Enjoy them. It is very
frustrating to not be able to do them without feeling like you have run a race.
I am thankful that I have family and friends that are helping me. It is harder
than you can image I am not the kind of person that likes to be taking care of
I am the one that takes care of others. I am discouraged, perhaps even feeling
a little down on myself. This is not something that I ever would have thought
would happen to me. I thought that by know I would be facing the world head on
again. But I can hardly comb my own hair out without getting tired. I know that
it is hard for me to really think about how bad things did get and how bad they
could have stayed. I am so thankful for all the prayers that have been lifted
up on my behalf. It has not been easy for me to pray. I guess it is some mental
block, denial over the whole heart attack and having to have a stent placement.
I keep putting on my brave face, however each day I feel it starting to
crumble. I want things to be back to normal for whatever normal is. Even if
normal is something different.
God has brought
me a long way from the place that I once was in. I know that there have been
some areas in my life that I have still kept closed off from Him. After I had
my first stroke in 2000 I had become very fearful of dying at any moment. I prayed
when I walked down the deck steps, when I went out to feed the horses, driving
to the store. I was so very afraid and sure that God was going to strike me
dead at any moment. I was a little crazy and very irrational with this fear.
Even though I
prayed and did all the right things to not make God any angrier than what I
already thought He was at me, I never walked closer, never changed my
relationship with Him. After some time that fear left me as did my
communication with God. Soon after that life went back to normal in a manner of
speaking. I thought I was there on some level but I never fully got back into.
I was still very afraid to live. So much so that anytime we would be going out
of town I would not have a good meal. I had this insane thought that if I did
not have a good meal then it would not be my last. However at the time it was
very sane and rational thinking. I was
not a very happy person. I missed out on so many things during that time.
Granted the stroke was not the only factor. During those times I would ask God
or maybe even tell God please only gentle reminders when I would feel myself
close to the edge of crazy.
It has been over
three years now that I have come to see God as God. Not this thing that hates
me or wishes ill for me. On a very intelligent level I get it. I do. However
this child that I am is frightened. All this health stuff over the past few
months I keep blowing off as no big deal, trying to put on a brave face, trying
to make it all go away by not thinking about it. I keep reaching and reaching
but it is hard to grasp the hand of Christ when I am holding on to whatever it
is I am holding on to.
God did not take
me those many years ago; he has not taken me this time. I do not have that gut
wrenching fear as I once did. On some level I think that this feeling of denial
is worse. I don’t want to think about it. I want to get up in the morning take
my bath, comb my hair and walk outside and be perfectly able to face the day. I should be able to do all that and more. I can’t
do those things. My heart is not ready for it, but my spirit always is.
I was praying the
other day asking how long all this was going to take. All I got back was time, rest
and trust, three of the hardest things for me. Time is short I want things done
yesterday. Rest, I would rather be doing for others and not have to have others
do for me. Then there’s that last little sneaky word, trust. All I have to do is trust in a loving Father
that has placed loving people in my life that can help care for me in the small
things such as brushing out my hair when I cannot; help hold me up when I feel
like falling down. I know that perhaps I
need to let the brave face crumble and just go ahead and stop holding back the
tears and let it go. There is some fear in letting go and crying. That fear is
a lie. To let go and cry is to trust.
