This morning while making coffee and grumbling about being up this early and how it was for the dang old birds, my thoughts started off on their usual path of self destruction. While I was washing dishes I reminded myself that I was going to talk to God during this time. As I did I had some verses pop into my head along with Dolly's 9 to 5, well just the part about stumbling out of bed and pouring a cup of ambition, coffee that is.
As for the Bible verses I did not know what book it was from, however I knew where the darn Dolly song came from. I have heard both on many occasions. One I know more or less by heart the other not so much. Such has been my way for a long time. It is easier for me to remember Dolly’s words then God’s. I haven’t ever felt let down by Dolly. For that matter I was going right along with what she was singing inside my head. I seem to have a better relationship with Dolly then I do with God. The truth is for the past several months I have not been working on it at all, or so I thought until this morning. I, on occasion, read a few daily devotionals; ok, I glance at it. This morning I wasn’t going to. I didn’t even want to take the time to search for the verses that had popped into my head. Honestly, I wanted to put my headphones on, turn up the volume and drown out the voice inside my head. Wouldn’t take much. The voice was soft and unfamiliar.
I poured myself a “cup of ambition” and walked down the hall to the bedroom. I had forgotten that I wasn’t going to do any devotional reading. I opened the devotional email and clicked on the link for the verses that go along with the reading. Something I do even less than reading the devotional. Well I’ll be darned there in black and white were the verses that had been in my head. “Ok God, you have my attention now.” I read them over a few times and slowly started to feel them. I went back to read the devotional and the first sentence was exactly the thoughts that I had been thinking about for the past several months.
I have been feeling like a failure. I have taken so many paths of most destruction. I have made many great plans for myself and have failed miserably at them. Not all things have I failed at. I have two beautiful children. It was never in my plans to have kids. However the marriage to their father was a failure. This failed marriage is what I have had on my mind. This is because I am now going into my second year of marriage to a man I feel as though is a part of me. I never had that the first time. This relationship scares me. I do not want to fail at it.
As I read the devotional a few times I started understanding something I had not understood before. I have failed so often because I have been going by my plans for me. Why not? After all I know what is best for me. However in Jeremiah 29:11-13 the Bible says, “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart,”
When reading this one thing that struck me was “plans” not plan. God has plans for me plural, not a singular plan. I take this to mean that if I in all of my infant like wisdom I take it upon myself to go my own way that God crosses out Plan A and moves on to Plan B and so on.
This feels right to me. I see this in my children. Though it was not in my plan to have children, I love them with all my soul and wouldn’t change anything. They were God’s plan for me. It was a blessed plan, even though the marriage to their father failed. I have felt such guilt over this. Most often when I find myself feeling so happy and right in my soul with my husband. For the first time I realize that I put this guilt on myself because I feel like a failure and I fear that I will fail at this marriage as well. But I know in my soul that this is not so. I am on God’s plan and not my own.
For the first time in a very long time I feel some peace in my heart. I feel closer to God then I ever have. Dolly’s words are gone they have been replaced with song “The More I Seek” Sorry Dolly I guess the “cup of ambition” has kicked in.
Heavenly Father I give thanks to you for not giving up on me, even when I make my own plans. May I continue to seek you Lord, and see the plans that you have for me. May I rest in your strength to hold me when I stumble and fall along the path. In Christ name I pray. Amen.
