I am doomed at being me.

      So much of my life is infused with emotions that threaten to overcome me. I take a moment to step outside myself to gain control. To what end do I hope to gain by such actions as these?  Control is nothing more than an illusion, a lie that I tell myself. To what end do I go to fool myself, to pull a veil over my eyes? As blind as I am to what I think is true about myself, my self-perception is nothing more than what I believe I can see reflected in the eyes of others.

    What of the eyes of others? Their sight is as much veiled as my own. Let me not forget my grand illusion of control. For all the good it does me to step outside myself, I must let God step in and stay. If I cannot do this and see my self- worth through the unveiled eyes of God I will forever be doomed at being me.

     As my emotions rage, I am a ship that is tossed in the subsequent tidal waves of the ocean that my emotions have become. They are always reaching to pull me under, no matter how hard I try to steer my vessel around the waves. It matters not the direction I steer for I am trapped and pulled under by the waves.

    If I could just hear the voice of God   telling me, “Be still and know that I am God,” Psalm 41:10.  However I am too much inside my mind. I have placed the captain’s hat upon my head. Even when I do ask God to take the helm, I am still trying to co-captain by shouting my doubts: “Where we going?”  And as if that is not enough I am telling God, “You’re going the wrong way.”  When I try and get still and listen to God I too often only hear my question, “Are we there yet?”

   The control over the vessel is not my own. I cannot captain or co-captain. I can only place the life preserver of Christ around my heart. I must trust in the pure and honest sight of God, that, regardless of the storm, He sees a vessel worthy of love to sail upon a sea of tranquil peace. I will not, and I am not doomed at being me.

Renewing my Mind

Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. Proverbs 4:23
I have been thinking that I seriously need to change the way I think and feel and act in many situations in my life. It has been said that behind everything you do is a thought. Every behavior is motivated by a belief, and every action is prompted by an attitude; whether it is a conscious or subconscious thought. For example, Friday I was feeling very insecure and without consciously thinking I put a wall up mentally and physically between myself and my husband. If he had not said something to me I would have never known that I had done this. I have said many times that by sheer willpower I can and will think and therefore act in a productive positive way.
Truth is this only works for a short time because I have only made a superficial change. I have not dealt with the root cause of my thinking. Because of this I am in constant internal stress. I know that there is a better and easier way than forcing my will, my way of thinking, on the way that things should be done in my life.
I know that the root of my thinking is that I have the voices of too many dead people still telling me lies that feel like truth. I have heard very little in truth of a loving God. No that is incorrect I have heard that God loves everyone but me. “I am not worthy of the love God. I am undeserving of any good thing in my life. I am tainted and dirty.” These are words that my Mama would say over and over to me as she scrubbed me with a scouring pad and scolding hot water when I was four. I had forgotten about the baths until a few weeks ago. The memory hit me hard. How could I have forgotten that? I have always had her words with me, the lies that I feel and believe to this day to be truth. Adding to the belief of the words I still take my showers and baths in near to scolding water. I truly do not feel clean if the water is not turning me into a lobster.
I stopped writing this blog yesterday simply because I just could not deal with the onslaught of thoughts and emotions. I got home and had for the most part not thought of it again (meaning the voices where running riot inside my head). That is until my husband put on one of his shows that he likes to watch, Creflo Dollar Ministries. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and was catching words here and there. I was not feeling very happy with what I was hearing. I decided to go into the bedroom to hear better what I did not want to hear. Seems as though Creflo had gotten a hold of what I was thinking and writing about. He thought it was good enough (ha ha) to do a sermon over.
Truth is I was a little angry and put off with the whole thing. I felt and acted somewhat childish. I wanted to cover my ears and stomp my feet while I repeated “I ‘m not listening, and you can’t make me.” Here I am on a daily basis getting discouraged and more tightly bound by my chains of fear, guilt and shame. I cry nightly for God to give me a sign, anything, please, just something so I know that He is listening. So I stopped my pouting for a moment to listen. I heard Creflo quoting verses that I had just recently read and thought I would be using in this blog when I started writing it yesterday.
Here it is the day after, and the voices are surprisingly hushed. Just one thing, one question; how do I put the lies behind me and put the truth before me? I need to cut this first formed link of the chain of lies that binds me.. How do I do this? I must change the way I think by renewing my mind. I must "Let God transform you(me) into a new person by changing the way you (I) think," (Romans 12:2 ). "There must be a spiritual renewal of your(my) thoughts and attitudes," (Ephesians 4:23). I will let God cut the link of lies that my Mama told me and let Him forge a new hope of a loving God. I will let Him change my way of thinking and begin a renewal of my mind. I know it won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be easy. I will do what I have been putting off doing for about three weeks. I will make the time to talk to my pastor. I will hear and feel the loving words of God. I will not let the lies take away from the truth of God. I will have one dead voice silenced so that I will have faith and a way to silence the other voices.